Survivors

Survivors
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  • Gina
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  • I am a cancer survivor
  • I am days away from a final diagnosis. I am very scared. 7 months ago I completed three operations to correct my ulcerative colitis which went amazingly well. I had fought the disease for a decade. I am getting married in June. I just got promoted at work after ten years of worthless part time unskilled jobs and failed plans. No one ever wanted me for anything. I beat my disease, I got into my dream career, and I^m marrying the best person earth.

    And now I have cervical cancer. Just when I started to see that life had a brighter side that didn^t involve hospitals and failures, it begins again. I am angry at my parents for having children. I am angry at the guy who gave it to me. I have never had unprotected sex. Except, one night, we were together and wanted to have sex and didn^t have any condoms. I told him I wouldn^t do it without one, but eventually gave in and let him at least be inside me for about ten seconds and then pull back out. He was twice my age and had probably slept with a hundred women in his life. He had bipolar disorder and probably had sex with prostitutes while manic. I will never know because he is dead now, from suicide. It^s a piece of my past I wish I could take back. Who knew ten seconds in a long history of diligent responsibility could be so catastrophic? Who knew?

    I feel punished. I don^t want to leave my fiance alone on this Earth. We need each other to get through the next fifty years. It isn^t fair. I don^t want to die. I don^t know how advanced the cancer is but since I didn^t find out until having pink watery discharge and a foul smell, I^m guessing it^s not early. They say if you wait until symptoms show, then it is probably advanced and may not be curable.

    I am so scared. I don^t want to leave this Earth yet. I^m not ready. There^s so much I wanted to do. There seems like so much possibility for me. Why would God take me from the Earth? What did I do wrong?
  • 01-31 -2012
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