Last year on October 7th I had my Hyst to cure my cancer. I have been pretty upbeat and very happy since. The bottom fell out a few days ago, the birth of my niece, which should be a joyous occasion, sent me into a whirlwind of emotions I can^t begin to explain.
The first of which is the loss of something so basic to women, the ability to bear children. Now, I have heard all the you can always adopt I can stand, I would love any child brought into my life with as much heart as my own, what well meaning people fail to understand is I will never feel that life grow inside me. I will admit that the thought of a child pre-cancer scared the poop out of me, but it was always something I wanted. And I knew this time would come, I just didnt realize that the moment would be this epic.
Now the question remains, where do I direct this anger that is running so deep inside me. In the past its always been easy, my brother made me mad, thats where my anger went, to him. But I dont have a face, a body, or a name, my mind cant rationalize this fear, anger, saddness I feel, it sends me into a tailspin, and I dont know what to do.
I dont want this to rule me, I want to own it, but I have realized that the demon is still there, I beat it physically,but now the battle field is my mind and heart. I dont want this to interfere with my relationship, which is the best thing to ever happen to me, and the best man ever, I want to feel some what normal.
I want to yell, scream, kick, punch, and cry, but I don\^t know who or where to direct this at, this is my cry for help. If I am to help others with my knowledge and experience, I have to be able to deal with my own anxiety. Please Help.