My story began 8 years ago when I was 23. I had an abnormal pap showing severe dysplasia. I was told by my doctor that I am very high risk for cervical cancer. I had the LEEP Procedure and years later, I moved, and also found another gyn. Year after year my yearly papâ€™s came back normalâ€¦I thought horray to myself (I am okay) but a part of me also wondered if this doctor was just not seeing the same thing that the other doctor was seeing. How could I be high risk and 8 years later be fine. I trust my doctor so I ignored my questionable thoughts.
In the midst of a marital separation and reconciliation I became pregnant. My husband made the choice I should terminate our baby. I say his choice because he said he would leave me if I didnâ€™t. I guess he just as well should have left me because it has destroyed my life and spirit forever and our relationship could not be any worse than it is now. I have become distant and withdrawn and I am not sure I will ever recover. Please do not bash me for terminating my pregnancy! This site is not meant for that and I already have been punished enough.
For the past several months I have had sever pelvic pain, nausea, and sometimes it has been uncomfortable to sit. Sex has been painful for years but I never mentioned it and put it out of my thoughts. Regardless, I was ashamed and embarrassed by what I had done and knew I could not walk into my gyn and bear to see all of the beautiful pregnant ladies when I had killed a child so month after month I did not go to the doctor. Day by day I became more and more concerned and finally went to the doctor 2 weeks ago.
And well, here I am, 31 years old and I was informed on Monday that my Pap result was abnormal and I tested positive for HPV. I was scheduled for a Colposcopy next Mondayâ€¦.and, well, I frankly could not wait that long. I called the nurse back and had my Colposcopy yesterday, followed by cramping, and bleeding. I have 10 days to wait and I am scared, alone, and I have no one. The anxiety is nauseating; I canâ€™t concentrate nor do work and I sporadically cry.
I have not even told my husband (obviously I am bitter and angry). I stopped praying months ago, I also stopped going to church, I have pushed my entire family away and have not spoken to them in a year and I have told myself that I will probably be diagnosed with cervical cancer and it will be my punishment from God for what I did.
My biggest of course is dying and my second biggest fear is being unable to have children, that may have been my last chance. How could I have been so selfish and how could any man have meant more?
In life, we do not always get a second chance so we should remember that when we make poor choices we must learn from our mistakes. I hope everyone who has shared their story has a full recovery. Do not be ashamed as I have been.
It is not too late to embrace God and I may just have to if I want to survive.